haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
