I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
