I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
