Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
