My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
