hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
