Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The adults are the big ones right?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
