apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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