Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
