R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
