Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
