She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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