Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
