Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
