Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
