then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
