ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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