ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
