Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
