I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
