If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
