go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
