Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
