I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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