Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
