im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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