I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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