I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
