I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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