Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
