Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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