my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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