HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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