I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
