my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
