I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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