You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dignity is for republicans.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
