Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
