he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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