I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dicks are not precious.
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