I smell stomach acid.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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