Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
