There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just cropdusted the office
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We had to coat check the pizza.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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