Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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