sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
