We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
