You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
