So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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