On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
