he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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