You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm having to shit out rocks
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
