Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
