Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
